Rachael and her caring situation.
On the outside I’m an ordinary 55-year-old woman, with a professional career. Behind the scenes I have a range of caring responsibilities. I’m what’s called the ‘sandwich generation’ of women.
I work for a University, supporting a range of students and staff, which is how I became aware of Carers Leeds. I joined an online meeting and at the end somebody asked me whether I had caring responsibilities. I found myself saying that my partner had been clinically vulnerable during Covid; I do a lot for my mum who’s in her 80s; I’ve had a longstanding concern for one of my daughters, and I support her to look after her own children, my grandchildren. When I said all that, she said, maybe Carers Leeds is something you’d want to find out about.
Initially, I thought perhaps I could get some practical help – someone to cut my mum’s hedge. It was the end of summer holidays, and a very hot day when I walked through town looking for the office. At the reception desk I said I’d heard about the service, and wanted to find out a bit more. Someone took me into a small room and once she started asking me where I was at, I just cried and cried. I said I don’t know what I’m going to do; things had been going on for so long and I felt really ashamed that I couldn’t fix it. Just saying that made me feel relieved and completely exhausted.
A week or two later I had a call, which was the start of having some 1:1 sessions, and joining the support group.
At that stage I hadn’t linked my situation so firmly into Concerned Others. I’m an academic and I’m used to words and terms, but I didn’t quite understand ‘Concerned Others’ at the time, and I probably thought Carers Leeds was only for people in really acute situations.
I went to the support group with an open mind, just to find out what it was like. It was very welcoming. You go in, get a cup of tea and sit around a table. I didn’t say that much at the first one. The group’s facilitated well, and it’s a safe space where we can tell each other what’s going on. Meeting face-to-face, in a physical space, is really important to me.
We’re all different, and we deal with things in different ways. We’ve shared disasters and hilarity. And we learn from each other. I’ve learned it’s ok to set boundaries. I’ve also learned that there isn’t a clear linear process – there’s some safety in just trying things out.
One of the other group members said something I found really useful: don’t keep asking yourself the question if you already know the answer.
Carers Leeds doesn’t make everything ok, but it does help you not panic. If you love someone who’s got a serious addiction, you can’t help at times wonder about the worst that could happen – especially with horrible thoughts at 4 in the morning. But then I get up and go to see her, and usually I wonder what I was worried about. She’s not conventional, but the kids are brilliant and together they’re a strong, loving unit.
Carers Leeds reminds you about different ways you can support yourself. Being able to talk about it with my daughter has helped, too. She started to get help again, and it wasn’t such a dirty secret.
Now, I prioritise the group. I can go to it in work time, which helps because it means I don’t have to cut into my personal time . My partner’s very supportive, but this is a group for me.
If someone said it wasn’t going to run any more, I wouldn’t like that.
I’m still working full-time – despite all this I’ve never given up work. I’m really good at managing my various responsibilities and holding it together – which is underrated, especially for women. I love my family, but it’s complicated.
I’m a carer because I care. Carers can help other people live their lives. I do feel valued, even if I’m bloody knackered. And my advice to other carers is simple: you’re more ok and better equipped than you think you are.
