I’m a writer, an astrologer, a mother… and a carer.
Carers all have different experiences, and no two carers are the same. I can only talk about my situation, and I haven’t met many people of my age who care for someone with a mental health condition.
I have three adult children and I support two of them. One son lives with me – he has Aspergers and he’s dyslexic. His senses are very heightened – he won’t let me hug him, and he can’t deal with the unexpected. He can get upset and he’s a bit inflexible.
I’m the opposite – I can be doing or thinking about two things at once. I can say something I mean at the time and later contradict it – that upsets him but it’s how I am.
I try to compromise, but I want to do what I want. Ideally, I think he should have a place of his own. When I say that, he feels I’m attacking him. But apart from anything else I’m not getting any younger, and feel I’m getting to the point where I can’t cope.
My son is quite demanding of my attention, and there’s nothing wrong in that. Sometimes I’m the only person who understands him. He has a lot to offer – he has a good degree, he’s worked to support adults with learning disabilities and in a call centre. But people can be difficult. Some make comments – they volunteer information he doesn’t need, about his weight or appearance. It’s rude and I have every sympathy.
It’s been helpful to understand my son’s condition, but it was a late diagnosis. I paid for him to see a psychiatrist in London.
I’m now in my 80s, and as I get older it’s more difficult to manage. I’m more patient than when I was younger but I also feel the pressures more. My son hasn’t been violent, but he has been threatening, he’s smashed and broken things. He has periods of being happy and bright. The pressures pile up and although other people cause him stress I’m the one who gets it – I’m the whipping boy. It makes me feel vulnerable. What about me? If you can’t care for your own wellbeing you can’t care for anybody else.
My daughter doesn’t live with me but she has PTSD and depression. Often she’s active and productive, and she has her own little business, but sometimes she can’t go out or function. Sometimes I have to give her more time than my son. She’s going on a short break soon, which will be good for her, but I’m expected to look after the dog and cat. I don’t tell her but inside I can get angry, thinking I’m being taken for granted.
The bottom line is, I want to feel that I count. A lot of carers feel that way. We want somebody who understands what’s happening with us, rather than us understanding what’s happening with the people we care for.
I’m an astrologer – I do readings and I have a website. I’ve been interested in astrology since I was about 8 years old, and over the years I taught myself. I’ve always been into psychology, and studied it at university. I’ve had my own traumas, too, with depression and going through a divorce.
I have a good imagination, and I enjoy writing. I’m in two writing groups and I write short stories and poems. I’ve been published and want to publish more but having a lot of demands I can get distracted. I don’t even know where I get my abilities from.
I think a lot of my children. I never wanted to put them in nursery full-time, but when I was pregnant there weren’t many part-time jobs. I was doing well and could have gone on to greater things, but because the company didn’t let me work part-time I gave up my career. I do feel annoyed about that. Later I decided I wanted more and went to university. I’m glad my children are well-educated.
My advice to other carers is to find activities that inspire you in some way, whatever your talents and abilities are. Give yourself some time out.
I go to a support group. Actually I stopped going for a while because my son went through a period where he was happy – he had a smile on his face, everything was wonderful, we were really getting on well. Then he dropped down, worrying about his weight and about money. So I’ve joined the group again.
Being a carer means supporting someone, but also finding ways to make people understand the person you’re caring. And if you’re struggling with that then you’ve got Carers Leeds. That’s where you should go.
