I have two adult sons. One of them is an addict – that’s what’s brought me to Carers Leeds.
My older son is in his early 30s. He’s very sensitive, caring and quiet. He’s artistic – he likes gardening, baking and cooking. He’s always been really shy, and he struggled at school. But he went to college and learned tree surgery – he did really well with this.
My son’s never been a social party person, but he started enjoying a few cans when he finished work. I tried to keep an eye on it and I could see he was drinking more, but it was a difficult time for us all – I was going through a break-up which was upsetting for everyone.
I never thought being a carer would happen to me. I was quite a party person, but I grew out of it – I didn’t like the hangovers – but I was still sociable, happy to be chatty. My son’s not like that. I feel he has social anxiety. I never really understood what that meant until recently. Now I’ve met more people with social anxiety I understand they feel drink helps with that – but it doesn’t help, and it can ruin lives. In fact, I am shocked at how many people drink alcohol to hide anxiety and shyness. Also how socially acceptable alcohol is.
I’ve just really struggled with seeing my son become a different person. I researched as much as I can. I’ve tried every single way – being nasty, being nice, being crazy, letting it go, managing my emotions. But it kept going on and on. As his addiction was getting worse, and I became more stressed, feeling helpless.
I thought ‘I really need some help now; we’re not getting anywhere’. I went with my son to Forward Leeds [a drug and alcohol support service] and the worker told me about Carers Leeds.
I came to the Centre and chatted with somebody. I just talked; they didn’t speak, which was what I needed. They put me in touch with a support worker. Because it was in lockdown, we started with phone calls and kept it like that.
She supported me through a difficult patch. Then things changed, we were in a different phase when he started using drugs. It was worse than just alcohol. I was ill with the worry of him using drugs. His appearance changed and it was difficult to keep in touch with him as he would put his phone off for days, until he was in desperate need of food or money.
I decided to go to the group meetings. Before then I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind, and I did feel very nervous. But it felt like a weight had been lifted. If you don’t want to speak you don’t have to. We’ve shared things we’d all done – little crazy things, that have helped us to cope. I get even more from being in a group with other mums. I’ve only been to a few sessions, but they make you feel better.
Being a carer has affected me financially – I was giving him food and paying for electricity. I didn’t understand I was enabling his addiction. I’ve had to learn that – it’s been a big learning curve.
One thing I’ve learned is that sometimes you need an object to hold on to. My son doesn’t live with me – I’ve given him chances but it’s very difficult to live with him. At one point he was in his own flat and I was desperate to avoid him becoming homeless. But in the end, nothing was changing. He wasn’t paying the rent, and there were parties and fights during his drug and alcohol using. When he lost the tenancy, I decided to clear it out. It was a very strange day. I wanted somebody to come with me, but couldn’t think of anyone, so I got brave, rolled up my sleeves and got on with it. There wasn’t anything of value but doing that was therapeutic for me.
Being a carer has also affected me mentally. I’ve been quite ill with stress, and it’s awful – you don’t want to get up, or go to work. It was on my mind day and night. I spent so long wondering, is he alive? am I to blame? Why can I not help him? Overthinking and feeling frustrated, angry, upset, lost.
Now I do loads for myself! Exercise, wellbeing walks, hypnotherapy and reiki with acupuncture when I can afford it. I meet up with friends and go swimming. I take the right vitamins. I do everything I can, because I need to feel I can cope.
I’ve just finished a degree as a mature student. I loved it – the University felt like a place to be yourself. My son was up to all sorts of things, during that time, that were really making me question whether I should leave the course or delay it. I didn’t give up, but it was stressful. Looking back, I don’t know how I fitted everything in.
My advice to other carers is, get as much help as you can. Talk to people you’re not related to – I found that very difficult, due to the emotional involvement, but also as they usually have not been in the same situation. Members of the groups had been in very similar situations to me. This is very helpful and comforting. Take the step, when you’re ready. Just look after yourself. There will be times when you think the worst is going to happen, but it probably won’t.
